Medicine for my soul

A life worth living

It has been a few months since i have posted and my roller coaster of a life has been just that. I had a nervous break down on Sept 9th and wound up in the hospital for six days. It is easy to get caught up in the roller coaster of life and I did just that I allowed myself to forget who I was in Christ and fell into the pit of despair, start to blame God for my current circumstances and that is what i started to do and began to go to that dark place and let the devil tell me it was time for me to ...yes end a life that wasn't mine. I knew from the start that i would be destroying more than one life that not only did I have two children that needed me even though (I don't get too see them much) I developed a long list of friends and family that i knew i would have to answer to but most of all reminded myself that Jesus and God would be the ones I would have to answer to first and for most. I have done a lot of soul searching.repenting,purging and surrendering to God over the past couple of months and am back to seeing myself worth in a stronger powerful light. While I may not be able to be there for my children right now I can be there to help someone else children and other parents as well. Bitterness and hate has no place in my heart right now just love and forgiveness towards those who took my Children. I do not envy there job it's hard to make the right decisions sometimes in it and they wind up hurting the ones they are supposed to help more than helping. I rather feel sorry for them because they never did got to see the good years and times we had with our children and I often pray they make the right decisions instead they saw the destructive side of my kids and over looked our efforts to try to help them and get them the help that only poor people like us could afford. Oh one of them told me that they had 4 kids and understood what we were going through..um sorry no they didn't none of her kids were special needs..and yes we were lied to and tricked into signing my daughter into the "temporary custody " of my daughter only to find out it was partianl later on. Could it be that we could have tried to sue ! Yes !!! but they have their word against ours since we weren't able to record it properly........am I bitter towards these ladies ? I was but God allowed me to see that by letting their miss deeds or wrong doings bother me to the point of bitterness and hate I was giving them power and control over me. So a couple a months a go I wrote them a letter telling them that I could not let them control me and let them destroy whats left of my life and that I was going to use their miss deeds to help others and in essence become a stronger person I ended the letter telling them I FORGAVE them. Friend if you so happen to stumble on this somehow not that forgiveness is a powerful thing it is so freeing. Do I miss my children? !! Deeply and dearly . Does my heart ache ? YES a hundred times over. Have I blamed myself ? Yes at times then I realize that gives the powers that be control over me and destroys me not them. What purpose does Hate serve ???

Lord I Thank You

Lord I thank you for the blood That you shed on Calvery And I thank you for your love As you gave your life for me You have forgiven me You have set my heart free And I will praise you Lord For Eternity Lord I thank you for your word That you freely give to me As I struggle through each day Lord I know your stregth I'll see Help me Lord to hold your hand When trials come Lord I know your face I see. Lord I thank you for the things That you always do for me I will give my life to you And bless your holy name Show me Lord your perfect will Lead me in your steadfast way Thank you Lord for everything That you have done for me Thank you Lord for everything That you have done for me. "This is a song I wrote during one of the many turbulent times in my life .

Bill & Gloria Gaither - Something Beautiful [Live] ft. Gaither Vocal Band

My Matt Man is at it again.

Autism stinks and OCD and whatever else my son may have . His aggression has become so bad that he beats the kids and the staff up on a daily basis at his group home and just this morning broke a car window.........yet my kids stupid insurence company thinks that having both my kids together in a group home geared for teenagers is a good idea.grrr. I hate the fact that their group home is an hour and a half a way from us but even if we could visit every day there is nothing we can do. My son beats up on us (mostly my husband) because he tries to protect everyone......when we go see him but he has cold cocked me in the head and kneck which seem to be the easiest places for him to reach,seeing as I am way shorter now than my husband and kids. It sucks to say that I am afraid of my own son and miss the old him terribly..do I love him stil ? Yes deeply but I have found myself disassociating from him at times. Easy to do when you see yourself and others get hurt all the time. I know there are other parents out there that feel the same way and feel hopeless and helpless. I do appreciate the staff there at the home for doing their best to try to help my son but I wonder how long before they themselves have to somehow give up on him...for their safety but most of all the other kids safety. There is one teen there in particular that is easy to fall in love with...I will call him A . A wants to be his friend he is the type of kid that wants to be every ones friend he is so sweet and gentle hearted,yet Matt won't recipicate...I am not sure Matt knows how to or wants to. Something inside my son just makes him tick the wrong way. He was like this long before he was taken from us and we were actually starting to look for a group home for him. He seemed to be doing well for the first 4 months or so when he was at a facility but the facility was a temporary place for violent adults but my son is only 16. It is very heart wrenching...I am trying to remember the younger years before he turned violent and cherish thos moments and may share some of the funny ones sometime.....so hold on to your hats this blog will have some funny wit to it at times. I do have a wacky sense of humor and may posts clean Godly jokes as well. If you hate politics and need to escape from it then stick with my blog. I ABHOR POLItics and that is all I will say about that.

Mental Illness and it's stigma

Hi my name is Holly Hobbie and I am not crazy or insane....that is often the stigma people like me,my friend s,V,B,S, T,D, and many others struggle with. Over the years and 4 nervous break downs later I have been diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder.PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)and Boarderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I was doing reasonably well from 2009 until I crashed the week of Sept 9th and landed in a psych ward. Though it has been a few short weeks and I am still feeling a little off at least destructive urges are almost diminished to just their usual (BPD) thoughts which is a good thing, If it wasn't for the fact that Jesus is my Lord and Savior there is no doubt I would have totally took a life I know deep down inside wasn't mine to take. He has saved my life so many times and has helped me form a healthy list of support people in my life.....not an easy thing to want to follow when your mind is so consumed or was so consumed with death and destruction at times. I am opening myself way up on here because I hope to be of encouragement to those who are struggling with mental illness,grief and heart ache as I have been . One may wonder what can make someone so low that they have or want to or are destructive, I have been told that everything that has happened to me over the past 43 yrs of my life is because of a sinful heart and lack of trusting in God. BULL HOCKEY!!! is what I say to those who claim that over me. Yes I have sin in my life from time to time....I'm not perfect haven't met anyone that is. But I have also been saved and cleansed by Gods saving grace and do my best to ask Christ forgiviness every day. I know that God loves me and is a forgiving God to those who ask for it. Truth is is God created all of us and loves the sinner but hates the sin as the cliche goes...It does NOT give us the right to sin though. I believe that a majority of my depression stems from not only circumstances but also because of physical health issues ...Like a messed up thyroid which is what I have. So in short I am praying for people who stumble upon this to have compassion for those of us who struggle sometimes silently with these disorders and many more like Schizophrenia and other mental health disorders and if you believe in prayer to the one true God then pray for us. These illnesses can be treated though not always affordable in some peoples minds. Some insurances do suck but I do believe and this is what is going to get me "crucified " that it is .... at least there is some form of help out there for everyone whether it be spiritual medical or financial....just some people don't know how or are afraid to reach out for it and give up and do foolish things such as murder ext. I know and have had people argue with me that there are many "woman as well as men "in abusive relationships that can't get the help and to some degree I agree with that, but I know of others who have risked their lives and are doing well because they were able to get out of that abusive relationship by finding a way to contact a safe place or person. Some it has taken years to find a positive way out I realize that and am proud of your couragous spirits. I encourage you abusers as well to take a good look at yourselves your pasts, and the way you treat others seek counseling before you wind up hurting or even killing someone worse than you may already have. I have been a victim but now a survivor of all kinds of abuse from people like you and want to plead with you to seek help before you destroy more than just yourself once you destroy a life be it physically ,emotionally,verbally you will never get it back or be able to fully keep it.....maybe you might think you can physically but someday we will all stand before God and answer for our actions and loose whatever or whomever you supposedly value

I Will Go On [Live]

I Think I can ........I think I can .....I think I can

I KNOW I CAN!!! . Hi! my name is Laura (AKA Holly Hobbie . ! wil be posting more about special needs ext as I go along. But today what is on my mind is to talk about mental illness and it effects it has on me. I am going to be real as real as I can be. I have been diagnosed with three mental illnesses which have been debilitating at timess but God is with me and is my strength when i am week. Since my kids were transfered to the same group home with other special needs children . I have found myself having to be the stronger one in our marriage. I am not complaining God made it clear to me that it was my turn to hold my husbands up when he is weak. Only those who have or are in our situation or have lossed Children to the government or worse death can fully understand what we are going through. I know that God has a plan for me and maybe one day I will see the full extent of it, but for now I am choosing to be loving and forgiving. That is one of the things keeping me going that and my support list of people and of course God. I can't deny that suicide sometimes claims my mind but I am lucky to have Jesus and God in my life as well as long list of supportive friends and family who are constantly there telling me" it's okay you'll make it through hold on to your faith in Jesus and don't let Satan drag you down that's what he want to do" Others have told me they honestly didn't know what to say but that they would pray for us. My friends that is the best thing you can do for us that and pray. Telling me my autistic children are "better off where they are at" or that "maybe you needed the break Laura and S. (hubby) hurts more than one will ever know. I think I said this in another post but felt it all bared repeating. But I digressed away from my original intent of this post.....maybe that was Gods intent. I have been told I am sinning when I get depressed because I am not fully relying on God. That is something that could drive a depressed person to suicide especially if they are not Christian. It puts a bad taste towards Christians in their mouths. I go to a place that is called Gathering Hope House a couple times a week. Where I see people suffering from all kinds of mental health disorders it is a recreational/learning center that helps those like me deal with a variety of situations like how to stand up against abusive ignorent people.They also have a gym,art room and much more. I myself am an abstract drawer and love to color and much more i also love to go on the computers there and much more. It is also a great place to go when you are feeling down because of the staff. They are a really compassionate group of people.. Well I can ( to use a big word " pontificate " go on and on but I am going to end this blog with my quote of the day .......With God I think I can ,I think I can I know i can !!!.

Can I have your attention please

I am writing this blog from sixteen years of experience of having special needs kids. My two teenage autistic blessings were or I should say had to be put in group/facility homes on February 8and 11. It has been difficult coping with out them the grief and so many questions and the want to blame ourselves is there but I will get through it. Yes we get to see them but they are an hour and a half apart in different directions. In spite of the grief I am going to continue this blog. Studying and learning how to help educate those who are curious about certain disabilities ext. With that being said and it being Autism Awareness month I am going to give 6 Things you should never say to any parent(special needs or not ) that is grieving a loss of a child be it through death or placed in someone elses care. 1)There in a better place where they will be well taken care of. 2)At least you have other children to take care of 3)Sometimes God allows things like this to happen to you so you can help others(their is a time and a place to say that..tequinically not in the first hours or days of a childs departure from this earth or in my case from my home. 4)How did your child die ? Or why were they taken from you ? 5)Maybe if you had more faith in God this would not have happened 6)God knew you needed to rest from the burdens of caring for you child What can you to help grieving parents.....to be continued.

Theries of autism and what I think of them

Up until a year and a half ago family members,friends others alike felt the need to educate or try to educate me on how they think my kids got Autism. Do I believe it was a booster shot that causes autism in general ? NO! Do I believe it was caused by two C Sections NO!.......Do I believe it can be hereditary........YES!
In my case it is my husband was diagnosed about 2 yrs ago but even if he hadn't been I never cared what caused my kids autism. The truth is they have it severly unlike my husband who has a mild case.
I have received countless advice on what we have done wrong as parents starting with not putting them on a glutin free diet too vitamin oils ext
My kids are somewhat picky eaters......not as much as they used too be. They also know what medicine is we didn't have to tell them and they fight you when taking it.
I've heard "Oh if you do this repetively they will talk or one day they will talk you just don't have enough faith "
That last line almost made me quit on church all together. Oh I have also heard ......your kids and husband are like that because you don't tithe to your church,
I believe in tithing and using the money for the ministries of God like supporting missionaries ext My husband just believes in giving gift offerings.
"But to be told God caused  my childrens autism because we don't tithe.....well if your going to speak for God then you might as well act like him and there is no one as infinite and perfect as God. Thanks for letting me rant.

My Dearest Little Children

My Dearest Little Children

My Precious little ones
You are such a treasure from heaven above
You were given to us to cherish and to love
I am truely thank full for the special gifts you are
No other child can take the place of you.
When Jesus brought you too us
We were filled with wonder an awe

As we counted your little fingers and
cuddled you so tight
Your precious beautiful eyes and face
reminded us of Gods abiding grace

Little did we realize what trials lie ahead
As we stroked your little curls
Then kissed your tiny head

You seemed to progress normally
until you were nearly two
We realized you were no longer talking
or doing things that children at two or three
do.

Our hearts were deeply saddened
When after a month turned into a
Year then into two.

When we finally heard the words
"Your child has autism"
The words wrung loud and clear

But I was in denial as I could not face
This daunting trial, or even shed a tear
The word Autism I could not hear
For my heart was filled with sorrow
Sadness and fear.

Until I realized Jesus was standing near

Oh Master,Saviour,Jesus,Lord
I finally cried out loud
I know that you are always with us

I just can't help but wonder

Would we ever hear the words "I love you "
From our precious childrens lips

Would we ever see them run and play
baseball and other games kids play
My heart was filled with wonder and dismay

Until I heard my Saviour say
"Hush my child listen to my voice
For I have made the right choice.
I chose you to be their voice"

Though it won't be easy these precious children
need you so.
I have a special plan for them you see and need
you to help me help them grow.

Give them lots of love and tender care and tell them
About me.
Though you may think they may not understand
Just leave that up to me.

For I know their thoughts and feelings they can only
express to me.
I am their Heavenly Father you see
Creator of all things.

I have blessed them with a gift the world needs to see
A gift that will give new life and set souls free.
If only you will trust me and give them to me.

My Saviour Lord and King
I give you everything
These children we will raise
and give you all the praise

Help me understand the hurting hearts
filled with uncertainty and fear

Who look upon my children as burdens
of doom and despair
Help me to love them with your perfect
love.
Show them these special children are gifts
from God above.
Who need tenderness and love
Before they are murdered and
Thrown away
They have a voice that we cannot hear
Calling and crying for life so dear

Lord help there dieing by millions each year
Help us show them we care

Laura M /Holly Hobbie

Happy Easter

For those of you celebrating it with just the fake Easter bunny that lays eggs have an eggziting day. For those Celebrateing Easter because of  resurrection of Christt " He is risen never forget what Jesus did for you on the cross

On another note

I know my last brief blog entry took me away from autism but I had to get that out of my system I will explain why in a future post but for now I want to focus on Autism as it is what both my children and my husband are diagnosed with. I will be upfront and say my kids who are 13 and 16 are in group homes because of volatile behaviors .........we my husband and I are grieving from this sudden separation of and from our children but in the nearly two months they have been gone they seem to be flourishing in many ways.
I am proud to have been the best mom I could be all these years and it hurts that they are each in different places an hour and a half away from us and each other.
Inspite of the grief I want to use my past experiences from my kids and my volunteer work with Special needs adults/children to encourage others

Indiana Becomes Second State to Ban Abortions Based on Down Syndrome

Indiana Becomes Second State to Ban Abortions Based on Down Syndrome: Indiana has become the second state in the nation, following North Dakota, to ban abortions on babies who are diagnosed in the womb as having Down syndrome. Gov

What is Autism

Autism is a short way of saying "autism spectrum disorder." Its symptoms include differences and disabilities in many areas including social communication skills, fine and gross motor skills, and sometimes intellectual skills as well as unusual responses to sensory input (unusual sensitivity to light, sound, etc., and/or sensory cravings).Autism is also a spectrum disorder. In basic terms, this means you can be a little autistic or very autistic. Until May, 2013, there were five different autism spectrum diagnoses. At one end of the spectrum was Asperger Syndrome, sometimes called The Little Professor syndrome. At at the other end of the spectrum was autistic disorder, known for profound developmental delays and challenges. In between were a variety of pervasive developmental disorders including Rett syndrome, Fragile X Syndrome, and pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS)

In Memory of Micah

It is hard to say how I am feeling today as I not only realize that this is my husbands and my first Easter without my kids Matthew age 16 and Rebecca13 home.
They have been in group hom/Facilities since the week of Feb 9...but I am also remembering the news of  a very well loved  16 yr old boy (who also had severe autism and prone to occassional violent melt downs) named Micah
He passed away on March 30 ,2007 suddenly. in his sleep . It has always been a fear that we would loose Matthew this way and that fear hit us hard when Matthew was plsced.
But he is doing well an i will talk more about him in another post.

Micah........My husband and I met Micah and his family through my Sister In Law who was then
 a missionary actress that travels around the country putting on skits and sharing the gospel of Christ.
I don't know how many will read my blog  but the name of their ministry is "The Covenant Players"
www.covenantplayers.org/about-
 My Rebecca was 2 at the tim almost three  it was julyof 2004
Micah loved to rock in rocking chairs,swing on swings,sing and loved to be tickled from what I knew of him he liked to play rough to and would often have to be supervised .
He seemed to be happy most of the time and loved singing Disney and  other Childrens tunes especially Jesus loves me.
His all time favorite Disney character was Tigger....He loved Tigger so much that when he talked it was well known to everyone around him
bAs I said he loved to swing on swings . I can remember a time when Micah took off from his home I think it was scarring  his parents and after a bit of a search he was found hapily in a school play yard playing on the swings after church or after school hours......my memory fails me.
 I don't know what awats in heaven as far as swings and stuff LOL!
But I do know Micah has a new body in heaven and I can picture him racing anothe Woman named Robin (whom I will one day talk about)down the golden streets

The Gems and Jewels of Life

I am trying to start a new blogs which will deal mostly with special needs children and adults,how to help and encourage them.
I may also add poetry,songs and maybe short stories on here.
I can and will talk about my autistic teens and my husband who also has autism though not as severe.
I have come across people who don't know what autism is and and am hoping to write a story having to do with" Sammy The Sea Horse" which will explain autism in a child like manner.
I may also share articles ext reguarding the disabilities out there includeing "disabilities " caused by phobias and depressive disorders ext.
I hope to draw readers and critics inspite of my poor grammar and punctuation ext.
If anyone has anything they want me to research regarding special needs ext that pertains to to the above let me know.
For those who stumble on this blog ....God willing I am a Christian my faith in God is important to me. I may share scripture every once in a while or a song that gives me hope ext.
If you don't like my blog simply don't read it.
As scary as this world is I am not sure what if any pictures of my kids and husband I will post yet